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Today was one of my "good days". Or at least better than I've felt in a couple of weeks. I woke up without a headache and was only slightly dizzy. I felt good about the outfit I got dressed in. The morning was reasonably productive. I went for a walk at lunch and it felt good, other than every time I passed smokers or loud traffic and I got dizzy and nauseous. But the afternoon wore on, and by the end of the day I was pretty much just done. I had nothing left to give. I had an uninspired thought that when I got home I could maybe make something with chocolate, because I wanted to eat chocolate. By the time I got through traffic, my eyes were ticking a few beats behind my heart, every block closer to home reminded me of how much longer I still had to drive and I wanted to cry. I don't feel like I can tolerate listening to another human speak right now. And I'm just disheartened and glum and thinking about how I'm an alien here.
By "alien" and "here", what I mean is: I feel like I'm a completely different and lone species from the dominant species. Like I was abducted by aliens and live with them now. Or I'm the alien on this planet. I've learned to speak the language, I've watched and observed and learned and I understand how the others interact and what and how they feel. But none of that translates back to myself. I've never thought I was autistic, because I'm pretty good at reading people. I understand people, I empathize and all that just fine. But I can't relate. I can see two people in love and know exactly what they're feeling, but it's not something that I could actually experience for myself, because like, I'm not one of them. I'm not attracted to the alien species, and even if I was, I don't think I could actually feel those feelings the same way that they do. I can imagine it and I'm fairly confident that my interpretation is as accurate as anyone else's, given the individuality of experience. But I don't get it myself.
Anyway. That's about as much as I've narrated to myself while I was despairing on my drive home. Now I guess I'll just spend some time continuing to be uncomfortable and drained by my surroundings while I wait for a chance to go to sleep.
By "alien" and "here", what I mean is: I feel like I'm a completely different and lone species from the dominant species. Like I was abducted by aliens and live with them now. Or I'm the alien on this planet. I've learned to speak the language, I've watched and observed and learned and I understand how the others interact and what and how they feel. But none of that translates back to myself. I've never thought I was autistic, because I'm pretty good at reading people. I understand people, I empathize and all that just fine. But I can't relate. I can see two people in love and know exactly what they're feeling, but it's not something that I could actually experience for myself, because like, I'm not one of them. I'm not attracted to the alien species, and even if I was, I don't think I could actually feel those feelings the same way that they do. I can imagine it and I'm fairly confident that my interpretation is as accurate as anyone else's, given the individuality of experience. But I don't get it myself.
Anyway. That's about as much as I've narrated to myself while I was despairing on my drive home. Now I guess I'll just spend some time continuing to be uncomfortable and drained by my surroundings while I wait for a chance to go to sleep.
